Oct 19, 2014

Oct 19, 2014

Dear Liam,

This week was an eye opener for me. I kind of hate writing this experience down, because I’m still so horrified and embarrassed by it, but I feel like I should. A real journal is about the good and not-so-good moments, right?

This past week has been a rough one in terms of sleeping. On average, it would take about an hour to get you to fall asleep, and then you’d wake up 30 minutes later. We couldn’t figure out what we were missing, and it was starting to get really frustrating.

Last Tuesday, you finally fell asleep around 12:30 after nearly 2 hours. We tried everything many times- feeding, burping, swaddling, medicine, binkie, etc.. Alex and I fell asleep, and at 1:15 you were screaming again. I must have fallen into a deep sleep very quickly, because I felt so incredibly out of it. It was like I was watching myself, and completely acting without thinking. Basically, I lost control. It wasn’t really bad, but further than appropriate. I was yelling, and even pressed my hand to your face. Thank heavens, Alex came in almost immediately and took over. I went back to our bed, and as I listened to your continuous cries and Alex trying to calm you down, I couldn’t fall back asleep. But not because of your cries, but 100% because of my own behavior. It really shook me up. I tried to go back to sleep, but I literally felt sickened with myself. After probably 20 minutes, you had calmed down and I got dressed. I walked out to the main area, and saw Alex in the kitchen. I told him I needed some fresh air, and to get out for a few minutes. So I took the elevator down to the main area and sat in a bench outside by the large playground. Thankfully there was a wonderful, cool breeze. (It has been extremely hot lately.)

As I sat there with my knees hugged to my chest, I sobbed. I was so horrified at my completely lack of control, how I acted completely without thinking. And it scared me so much! You are the light of my life, and an innocent baby that was clearly in pain- how could I ever be angry?! I felt so inadequate to be your mom, and really at a loss.

Not much later, Alex came walking up with the baby monitor in hand. He sat with me, and just held me. He has such a way of calming me down, knowing just what to say, and making me feel better- about anything. We had a great talk. Apparently when he was trying to calm you down, he tried to give you a bottle with water. You were screaming your little lungs off, and he was getting so frustrated that he was squeezing the bottle in frustration. Well the top popped off and you were drenched. He thinks he must have scared you to sleep- if that’s even possible? He was in the kitchen, feeling guilty as could be when I walked in.

As I already said, it was a big wake up call for us. Unfortunately for you, we are first time parents and have so much to learn. You are kind of our tester baby. I still can’t get the image out of my head, but I think it was a good thing. I assume a lot of parents have similar experiences, and you just have to learn and be better (much better!) for next time. Now I keep my ipod with headphones in your room, and when you’re really hyped up I just turn it on to something calming and actually it is a pleasant experience!

The next morning when I went to get you out of bed, you immediately smiled at me. I can’t believe how forgiving you are, I have so much to learn from you!