Birth Story

On Sunday, April 13th we went on a walk with Daniel, Hannah, and their boys at Parque Taqueral. I was complaining that I hadn’t felt any braxton hicks in 2 weeks, and was convinced that this little man didn’t get the memo that he wasn’t supposed to stay in there forever. When we were moving to Campinas two weeks before, I was having lots of contractions and was worried he would come before I everything settled with the apartment. Not to mention we had a broken fridge, broken washer, a dryer that nobody could figure out how to hook up, and two leaks that were flooding our kitchen. But by now, I was ready and dying for our little guy to get here!

We had a good time on the walk, but still no braxton hicks. I then woke up to some mild period-like contractions the next morning at 3AM. I couldn’t fall asleep (every time I was just about fall asleep another contraction would wake me up.) They consistently came every 30 minutes or so until around 9, when they seemed to be petering off. So I decided to go to the gym, and see if I could get things moving. Just as I was reaching down to tie my shoes, the largest contraction that I’ve had up to that point hit and took my breath away. I decided I should probably pack my hospital bag first, just in case. From that point on, the contractions were coming every 10 min or whenever I changed positions (i.e. standing up, sitting down, bending over). By this time the long awaited internet guy hadshown up to install wifi (we had been waiting two weeks) and had plenty of questions, requiring me to constantly get up. Every time the poor guy saw me I was wincing through a contraction, and struggling to answer him in Portuguese. I explained to him I was just having some small contractions, but hopefully the baby would come tonight. He was getting progressively uncomfortable, and kept asking “should you go to the hospital?” After a long and extremely confusing two hours, he left and I could finally relax get a break.

The night before we arranged for a large group (four other families) to come over to our apartment complex for breakfast for dinner. I made two breakfast strata’s during the day that took me hours to complete- constantly having to take breaks through contractions getting worse when I was standing. By 5pm the contractions were around 5 minutes apart, so I took a long shower and insisted we go through with the dinner because it would be the perfect distraction. And it was! So much fun. Even though I’d be wincing through conversations or briefly walking away if it was especially strong. So glad we did it though, because this labor was long enough- and I didn’t want to be upstairs with only the pain to think about. Enough of that would come later. When we came back, we got ready for bed and tried to fall asleep around 10. I wanted to really try to get a good night’s rest, since the previous night had been rough, and likely I would be having the baby tomorrow. Alex fell asleep just great of course, but every time I would almost fall asleep another contraction would wake me up. And lying down only seemed to the make the pain worse. So eventually I quietly got up and hung out in the living room. Thankfully Hilary was around so we were texting back and forth, which I needed desperately.

I also wrote my doula to give her a heads up, around 11 she asked if she wanted me to come or if she should go to sleep. I told her to go to bed, and set the goal for myself to have her come around 4. I wanted her to get some sleep, and I wasn’t sure if this was really it. The next 2 hours I paced around the living room, leaning over the couch and swaying during the contractions. I also took a 40 minute hot shower, as my doula suggested. It was so silent besides my phone ringing when Hilary texted, but by 1:30 dealing with the pain alone was starting to get at me. At this time my contractions were consistently 3.5-4 minutes apart and I called my doula. I felt horrible about waking her up, but like I said I was starting to get desperate. She got here around 2:30, and at 2:15 I woke up Alex to tell him she was coming. I hated waking him up knowing that it would be a long day for him too, but didn’t want him walking out in his garments or something. Haha.

When she got here I insisted that she check my progress. Eventhough she isn’t technically licensed to do so, she knows how and I wanted to know where I was. She was hesitant to do so, worried that I may be disappointed and discouraged if not very far along. Luckily I was dialated at a 4-5. I was pretty happy with that. I got on my exercise ball and that helped a lot with the pain. I sat there for the next 3 hours until we checked again around 5:30, to decide whether we should leave for the hospital before or after rush hour. I was at a 6. Right after she checked me the next few contractions were especially painful. We decided to wait until after rush hour, and she suggested that I lay down in bed and try to get some rest. That lasted for about 10 minutes, maybe. I don’t know if it was the way he was situated, but laying down seemed to make the contractions unbearable. I got right back on my bouncy ball, but put it by the bed so that I could rest my head and try to rest. From that point contractions were coming heavier and stronger. I noticed that the “climax” of the contraction was lasting a lot longer than previously. My doula helped a lot with visual imagery, which surprisingly helped a lot. I’ve never been a type of person that has used this before, and had tried meditating many times before but could never maintain that type of focus. But this was my saving grace during labor! I kept thinking, “this isn’t pain, it is progress.” And visualized surfing over a wave during the contraction, picturing riding the top of the wave during the climax and slowly riding down as it lessened. The key was to be on top of the pain, and not let the pain take over me. A few contractions (particuarly after laying down) I would lose concentration and the pain would overwhelm me. It was when I would break this focus, and say things like “it hurts so bad” that I felt like I couldn’t handle it. Luckily in between contractions I would try to gather myself for the next one.

I got in the shower again for an hour or so, and this time the contractions didn’t slow down or stop like they did before. But the water was still so soothing and seemed to dull the pain. They kept trying to get me to eat so I could keep my energy up, and I opted for toast. However I ended up throwing it up. When I got back out she checked me around 9AM, and I was sure we were ready to head out. The past 3.5 hrs had been the hardest so far, and I was expecting good progress. Unfortunately I was at a 6-7 and that was really discouraging. I was happy to still be progressing, but I couldn’t believe how slow it was going! I was at a 4-5 nearly 7 hours ago! Also the contractions felt like they were overlapping with the back labor and pressure from him descending. The contraction would be over, but the pain still lingered. After texting back and forth with my doctor, she suggested around 9:45 that we leave for the hospital and she would meet us there. We grabbed our hospital bags and headed out.

The car ride seemed to take forever. The contractions were incredibly strong, and I was SO grateful taht we decided against staying with our Dr. in São Paulo. Nobody seemed to think that a long car ride (minimum 2 hours) was a big deal, but I beg to differ!

Alex was so crucial during this part. He would guide us in breathing together, while my eyes were tighly shut and trying to block out the traffic and anything else. We showed up at the hospital, and my doula and Alex had to park the cars while they dropped me off at the entrance. My eyes were still closed and I leaved against a wall, swaying. Everyone around must have thought I was crazy, and several people asked me if I needed help. I couldn’t afford any distractions, and hated when anybody tried to talk to me.

Priscila was late in arriving and we needed her there to fill out some forms. We waited and waited. Everyone was looking at me in horror in the parking lot, then main reception, then various waiting rooms as I was on the verge of tears, swaying obsessively, and of course intense breathing. The pain coupled with a distracting and hectic atmosphere was making concentration so much more difficult- and therefore managing the pain.

By the time the doctor got there and checked me, I was at a 9. This was when it got bad. For this, they brought me into a temporary room that appeared to be a doctor’s office with a large desk and medical bed. Alex and Dorothe (my doula) were downstairs filling out paperwork, and it was just the doctor and I. Her checking me was really painful, but I realized after a bunch of water gushed out that it was because she was breaking my water. After doing so, she got back up and went to sit at the desk. In a panicky voice I asked, “did you just break my water??” She looked up dismissively, said yes, and went back to whatever she was doing on the computer. I was now soaking wet and alone, and suddenly the pressure seemed to skyrocket. And starting to panic. Was I going to have this baby here, without Alex?? She told me we could change rooms, but when I told her I was soaking wet she motioned at a paper towel dispenser across the room. I shuffled over there, totally baffled, and tried to mop myself off. Then threw up. This room, that didn’t look like it was supposed to be used for this type of thing, was a total mess. Water everywhere (and I was continuing to leak), and now throw up all over the floor. It was gross. After what seemed like an eternity, Alex and Dorothe got there. They helped me change into a hospital gown, and soon they brought in a bed to wheel me to delivery room. I begged them to not make me lie down, but they insisted. That ride was the very worst! Alex was walking along side, trying to calm my breathing that was quickly escalating. I remember vaguely biting his finger in frustration, obviously losing all control that I had worked so hard at maintaining before.

Looking back, I find that every time I changed positions an especially hard contraction would be triggered. So eventhough I was at the hospital during transition, which is notoriously the worst part, constantly moving from waiting room to waiting room, then different beds, with so many distractions and chaos around me- made the pain so much worse than it could have been.

Anyway, right before they wheeled me into the delivery room, they told Alex and Dorothe that they had to change their clothes before going in. I (very) reluctantly let Alex go, while they wheeled me into a room that looked a lot like a lab. Everyone was wearing hair nets (which they put on me too), matching clothes that covered every inch of their bodies, and masks. Not even my doctor was there yet, but they had me move to yet another medical bed and told me to “lay down and start pushing.” This is when I really lost it. Nobody I knew was there, and I most definitely did NOT want to lie down any more. I was struggling to find the words for this in Portuguese, and at this point my breathing was more like hyperventilating. I was yelling “where’s my husband??” and “I’m not lying down!” and causing a huge scene I’m sure. But it was traumatizing being surrounded by so many people that I didn’t recognize, telling me things I was struggling to understand, and trying to make me do things I most definitely didn’t want to do yet.

Finally Alex, my doula, and my doctor came in and they moved me to a little stool that we had decided on beforehand that I would use for pushing. As we were doing this, my doctor asked if I wanted an epidural. I looked at her like she was nuts. I was about to start pushing! Thankfully, getting an epidural hadn’t even crossed my mind up to this point. With all the mental imagery and being in a peaceful environment at home, I was able to handle the majority of the labor without much difficulty. And through all the chaos at the hospital, there wouldn’t have been time anyway. But I had really prepared for a natural birth, and was so happy that it worked out!

I sat on the stool and they said to start pushing. Alex was sitting in a chair behind me, with his arms wrapped around at made me feel so secure. But for some reason, pushing was terrifying for me. I had read several times while preparing that pushing was the “good part”. And I suppose so, because you are almost done. But I also read that it was also much less painful. For me, that wasn’t true. I was actually terrified to push, because I couldn’t imagine more pain than I was already experiencing with the contractions. I tried a few times, and would panic. Saying things like, “I can’t do it. I can’t do it. Just cut me open!” Alex was such an incredible support. He kept assuring me, telling me to not think about the pain and just push with what felt natural. Pushing didn’t feel natural to me at all! But they assured me that his head was right there, and I could feel it if I wanted. At first I resisted, just totally terrified, but when I did it definitely gave me the feeling that I could do this. The next contraction, he was there. I remember pushing, at looking down to see his head. It was so surreal, and I hurriedly pushed one more and he came out completely.

After he came out, they put him right on my chest. Bloody and slippery and all. At first he didn’t even cry, and I was completely baffled. He was so beautiful- one of the first things I noticed was his adorable lips when he started to cry. I couldn’t believe he was mine, this little baby that had been in my stomach growing the past 10 months. The little guy whose kicks and rolls I cherished so much. Now he was here! In my arms! It is a moment that is so hard to describe into words. Such a moment of heavenly joy, after enduring so much. I looked to Alex almost immediately and saw tears streaming down his face- which shocked me. I’ve seen Alex cry maybe once before, and that was during a TV show and completely a fluke. I just kept saying “he is my baby!”

I was able to hold him for probably 15 minutes before they took Liam to wash up and do some quick tests. He has AB blood. Then they brought him back and we attempted to breastfeed but he would not have it. Kinda a “mom fail” moment, haha. After a little bit they took him back to a “warming room” and cleaned me off and stitched me up. I couldn’t stop shaking, my entire body. Must have been the trauma of the whole thing, but the doctor was having a hard time with the stitches since I couldn’t stop moving. Luckily I just had a small tear in the front. I really think the epi-no helped, even though I only used it for a week.

After they finished, they hooked me up to an IV (I think it was to get my uterus contracting) and wheeled me out into the hallway. Unfortunately they couldn’t take me up to a room yet because they needed to fill out more paperwork. So everyone left except for a nurse wandering around, and I was shaking on that hospital bed for 45 minutes! The worst part was hearing Liam scream in the warming room, I felt horrible. And oh I was in pain- my uterus was contracting (obviously not as painful as before) but they were like strong period cramps, and “down there” was really hurting. I kept asking the nurse for pain meds, I was done with being heroically pain-med free and I was done with pain. She said they would give me something when they took me up to the room. Eventually they brought me up, where Alex was waiting in the room. They transferred me to that bed and brought Liam in a few minutes later. I had already missed him so much! He was bundled up in clothes the hospital provided, and they were practically drowning him- he was so itty bitty and adorable. It was heaven to hold him, but I kept asking the nurses for those pain meds haha. Eventually they gave me something and I was able to relax.

The nurse told me at that particular hospital they have a 90% c-section rate, so I was quite the anomaly. It makes sense, it seemed like through my experience at the hospital they had no idea how to deal with a natural laboring woman. They are accustomed to scheduled c-sections that last maybe 30 minutes. I’m sure I was very intimidating for them.

The nurses never came back into the room for another 6 hours. Unfortunately we had just missed lunch, and I was starving! Luckily we had packed a milky way bar. I was also getting increasingly antsy because the bed sheets were soaked in blood, and it was very uncomfortable. I finally called the nurse and asked if we could change, and she helped me to the bathroom to shower and change the bed. After that, our stay was much better!